Today’s Lesson

Not too much to report – just a quick post to share my lesson of the day. This morning I had my 6-month teeth cleaning appointment and had to “tell” since they wanted to do x-rays. Joy from the dental hygienist and even more from the dentist himself who wished me “and my family” the best.

Anywho, the lesson part was if I ever DO barf from morning sickness, do NOT brush my teeth right away – wait about 30 minutes. Okay, ick. Rinsing it out is okay but something about the brushing moving the stomach acid around your mouth. Double ick.
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On that note, and to change the subject, please enjoy a few pictures of FurBaby in one of her favorite places when the furnace kicks on.  (Her eyes are not normally this spooky – I can’t seem to get them right in pictures.)

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First OB Visit – Minus the OB

So today was my first official visit at my Ob/Gyn’s office. And by visit I mean meeting. And by meeting, I mean chat in a tiny office with a nurse where the only medical-ish thing that took place was me getting the seasonal flu shot. (For the first time ever, by the way.)

The meet and greet was fairly uneventful. She took a history, thumbed through my file, tried to determine my due date which changed three times during the visit, and gave me tons of take home material -which I have read practically all of already.

The best part of the visit? Booking ultrasound appointments! Seriously people, begging works! I’m pretty sure I would normally not have one until my 1st trimester screening unless I pleaded. I managed to get one next week.

A question was asked in the comments about how I’m feeling. I feel great! Seriously, I’m sporting practically no symptoms. And of course, that had/has me concerned. The worst part physically so far has been DURING the 2ww. I had sore boobs, a splitting headache and a general crappy disposition. The sore boobs hung on for a few weeks after that but have since nearly disappeared. Maybe I’m a little more tired but that’s it. I’m not complaining (or at least trying not to). I really don’t want to be sick. What I would like is a constant little reminder that something is still happenin’ down there. I guess I’ll have to wait for the next scan – eight days and counting…

My Naivety Strikes Again

So here I am just shy of two months pregnant (unbelievable!) and feeling a mix of emotions.  Part of me is so thrilled I want the world to know and share in my joy.  Part of me knows better than to be blabbing my news to anyone, let alone the world.  Not to mention not everyone will be sharing in my joy – that’s just the way it is.

So I told the co-worker.  I have to admit I was a little excited to be sharing my news.  It’s that naivety in me that is surprised when bad things happen* or stupid comments are made.  I always want to think the best will happen.  The telling wasn’t really planned – we decided to go to lunch to catch up since she recently took a trip and there has been some work gossip.  We don’t go out to lunch too often so I figured now was as good a time as any to tell since I have several doctor appointments coming up that are scheduled during the work day.

I let her have the floor and she told her stories and then it was my turn.  I told her with caution and added the standard, it’s still early.  Her first response?  She asked if J was the father.  Now in her defense (cough, cough), I did tell her in July I was done TTC.  And I meant it at the time.  BUT.  What is the implication here?  That I would trick him/purposely get knocked up by a man who admittedly I loved once but cannot commit to a relationship?  She clearly does not understand my goal in this particular journey is to not co-parent and deal with shared custody, legal issues, child support headaches, etc.

You’re probably wondering what my response was to that question.  Well it wasn’t a good one with good meaning a take-that sort of comment.  I was caught completely off guard and was giddy with the excitement of sharing my news and a picture of the ultrasound.  I laughed it off and just said no and if that had happened we would need an entire lunch hour dedicated to those implications.  (or something like that.)  I let it go.  And now, days later, I’m still trying to let it go.  And struggling. I expect a thought/comment like that from someone who doesn’t know my story and who doesn’t know me.  I’m even okay with that.  I don’t expect it from someone who I have known more than fifteen years and knew about this journey at the beginning.  My naivety strikes again.

She said a few other stupid things about how I must have been less stressed this time and more relaxed.  And then, out of the blue, very matter-of-fact, she said, “You HAVE to get the swine flu shot!”   Now the point of sharing this with you is not to discuss the controversy surrounding the H1N1 vaccine.  Truth be told, I will likely get it.  That’s not the point.  The point is many pregnant woman are choosing not to get the shot and she doesn’t know my feelings on the matter.   And she WILL NOT be telling me what I need to do with regards to my body and my baby.  I didn’t say too much  – only that I plan to ask my OB or the nurse about the availability and implications of the vaccine.

In retrospec this was a good conversation for me to have.  It helps prepare me for what’s likely to come.  Even with all the research I did in my years before starting TTC and knowing these comments were coming, it’s still stings a little when they come from someone close to me.  I know deep down she means well.  She’s just clueless. And I apparently will never learn.

I’ve told one other person recently.  A neighbor who I know only casually enough to say hi when she walks her dogs past my house.  I asked her who she uses to snow plow her driveway.  I knew this question would require me telling since I have always taken care of snow removal myself  by shoveling or using my snow blower.  I decided to hire someone this year since the northeast winters are so long and I will want that extra sleep in the morning before work.  My neighbors response?  Like night and day from the co-worker.  I would almost expect a question/comment/something from her about the father since she knows I live alone.  Not one.  Just joy.  And she is an older woman, married with grown children.  You just never know.

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*I just learned two of my oldest and dearest friends may be splitting up after 22 years together and two children. I know it happens but it still shocks and saddens me every time.

7w0d

I graduated from the RE today!  I can’t believe  it.  It seems so early for me to be released to my OB.  Ultrasound was great, Dr Doogie was awesome (I’m going to miss him and I only saw him twice!), Fabulous D went with me and was, of course, fabulous!  It was such a special day and I’m so glad she was there to share it with me.  We saw my little bean’s heart just beating away.  Amazing.

Is it sinking in?  Not quite but it is getting there.

I have three appointments lined up at my Ob/Gyn’s office.  Next week I meet with the nurse, the week after I meet  with a doctor at the practice who works with my doc and then in DECEMBER (seems like so far away), I meet with my doctor, Dr L. (She’s booked the whole month of November.)

When Dr Doogie said farewell today, I was sad to be leaving SFC.  A few hours later though, I’m happy to be just another pregnant (I said it!) lady among the masses. As I said to Fabulous D, “omg omg omg omg omg omg!”

Fear And Love

Fear -  /fɪər //[feer]/ n

an unpleasant emotion or thought that you have when you are frightened or worried by something dangerous, painful or bad that is happening or might happen.

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I’m scared.  As I read Billy’s post about how she’s reading online what’s happening each week with her pregnancy,  I thought -I’m missing it; I should be doing that too.  Instantly I changed my mind.  I’m not ready to admit this pregnancy might make it.  The fear is different than I thought it would be – I thought once it looked like it might happen, I would be more afraid it would actually happen.  This fear is nothing like that.  It’s the fear that it won’t make it; that something bad will happen.  I hate cynicism and am normally a fairly positive person except when it comes to myself.

I was talking about this fear with my friend, D, one of the two IRL people* who know not counting my mom. (In fact, I think I need to give D a pseudonym since she will be mentioned more as she may be joining me at my next scan and should things progress, she agreed to be in the delivery room with me.  She and her husband have also agreed to guardianship.  I have it:  Fabulous D!  (Hi D!  I hope you are cracking up right now!)) Fabulous D is a loss and infertility survivor herself and the mother of those special twin boys I talk about here.

Anyway, Fabulous D and I were talking about the anxiety and she said it doesn’t go away until you hold that baby in your arms.  Hearing that actually helped.  My anxiety is not unfounded and not uncommon for others who have gone through similar experiences.  The silver lining from going through those experiences is extra monitoring as my file says “habitual aborter” (horrible!) and that status allowed me the early scan at 6 weeks, another at 7 coming up and hopefully another one very soon after that.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m trying not to think ahead.  When my mind wanders there, I quickly fill it with something else.  The thought of sharing my news with one other person, regardless of who the person is, instantly scares me – it could be one more person to untell.

Even with the fear, though, the love and support I get from the people following my journey, both IRL and virtual, makes me feel like I am not going through this alone as a single woman but instead with a very large family.  It’s because of you I am able to see the hope and realize my fear is about what might happen and not about what is sure to happen.

And speaking of love, I want to give a shout out to Astrid for presenting me with the Spreader of Love blog award.  Very cool!  Thanks girlfriend.

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*My other IRL friend who knows, B, is fabulous too!  She’s always there to listen to my nonsense and make me feel better.  I just wish we didn’t live almost 2000 miles apart.

6w0d

My mind is all over the place so I think the best way to get this post published is to bullet!

• While I waited alone in the waiting room this afternoon for my scan (and I mean alone as in not only was I alone, there was no one else in the waiting room at all), the girl-with-no-tact who takes patients back and also draws blood says to me, “are you alone?”  WTF kind of question is that?  Do you see anyone else in this room?  Have I ever come in with anyone else?  And yes, she knew why I was there.  She drew my blood for famous beta#2.  She’s just a twit.
• Speaking of waiting, I waited on the exam table half-naked for 25 minutes for the doctor and his shadow – a med student who did most of the wanding.
• During the half-naked waiting, I realized I had sweaty palms and thought to myself – my hands don’t sweat when I’m nervous. Then it hit me that I probably have never been this nervous.
• The doctor who did the scan, Dr Q, was terrific and made it very clear we may not see much because it’s early.  Then boom – singleton pregnancy in the uterus and whatyaknow, there’s the heartbeat.  Once he got started, he couldn’t stop saying, “your baby”.  I interrupted him at one point and said, “I can’t believe you’re saying that -baby.”
• I kept my emotions in check during the exam but teared up as I was checking out when M, who was scheduling my next scan, said congratulations.  She’s been awesome and went out of her way for me to let me change my appointment from 8 AM this morning to the afternoon because (and yes, I told her this when I called in a panic last Saturday), I wanted to be able to not have to go back to work* after the visit if the results were bad.
• Funny story about M – Dr Q messed up the machine so I got two pictures of the ultrasound. (Yay!)  M asked me if I got a picture. I said yes.  Then she said one or two.  I said two! She nearly flipped out thinking I meant it was a twin pregnancy and I meant I got TWO PICTURES.  We cracked up.  Like she really cares how many ultrasound pictures I got!
• Speaking of ultrasound pics, following the lead of fellow bloggers (and cuz I’m selfish and would like all baby related images in one place), you can see the scan here.
• hCG numbers?  Who needs ‘em.  Dr. Q couldn’t care less that my last number didn’t double.  He said it was “pretty darn close” and that was AOK.  (Note to self: stop with the Google.)

Your comments, as usual, have been terrific.  I was in the parking lot after my visit, calling and texting my two IRL friends who know and I was thinking I need to tell the blogosphere today’s good news!

To answer a few questions that came up in the comments:

No, I have not referred to myself out loud as the p-word.  It is starting to sink in but I’m still in a little denial. Not to mention I don’t really feel pregnant.  My only notable symptoms are sore boobs (in which the level of soreness fluctuates) and I seem to be burping all the time.  Not sure if that is even a symptom.

Dr Q did not give me an estimated due date.  While I’m thinking this might be standard procedure at this point (maybe not?), I didn’t ask for it either.  I am not planning to look it up online.  Yes, I am happy and excited.  BUT I am also terrified that something will go wrong.  I’m trying to just let things be and find out details when I am supposed to.  (And sure, I have a general idea of EDD but not letting my mind go there just yet.)

Next plan of action:  Scan next week with Dr Doogie.  It’s gonna be another long week!

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*Co-worker I am keeping in the dark for now is on vacation this week! Sweet!