Before I Knew For Sure

I’ve been reflecting on the things I was doing before I knew the heart stopped beating:

That day I met Fabulous D and the twins at the mall I had a live being growing inside me.
Halloween night passing out candy what I had inside me was not living, not growing.

On my friend, B’s, big birthday -  alive.
That beautiful, sunny morning at the dentist -  dead.

Making sauce with my mom – alive.
Researching prenatal fitness classes -  dead.

 

I look at my calendar at all the things I did from the time it stopped growing to the time I found out.  I was smiling.  I was laughing.   It feels wrong.  It feels disrespectful.

 

Small Good Things

I copied this post idea from Gwinne. I hope she doesn’t mind.

1. Drinking lots of coffee.  With artificial sweetener.
2. Leftover Halloween candy.
3. “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”.  Silliness to make me laugh, generosity to make me cry.
4. Expired Advil that still works.
5. My FurBaby.
6. Hair color in a box. No appointment necessary, no small talk.
7. White wine.
8. Heated car seats.
9. “Glee”.
10. Fall sunshine. Although fleeting.
11. When the tears stop. Even if just briefly.
12. Burning my lucky monkey fertility socks.

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Gone

This post is hard to write. I had my 9 week ultrasound this morning that I pushed for because deep down I knew something was wrong. I was right and the baby was measuring only 7 weeks. The beautiful heartbeat I saw at 6 weeks and at 7 weeks stopped. My symptoms literally disappeared about two weeks ago and now it all makes sense.

Yesterday I had a physical with another doctor at my OB/Gyn’s office. This is standard procedure for early pregnancy. They did a pap smear, breast exam, and internal exam. I immediately explained my concerns to the doctor about disappearing symptoms and asked if the progesterone gel I am taking would mask a miscarriage. She gave it to me straight and said it depends on the reason for the miscarriage. Part of me wished she had lied at the time but I always want them to be honest. After the exam, she asked why the ultrasound was scheduled this early and I told her I was concerned because of my history and the lack of symptoms after I had some early on.

This morning I went to their ultrasound office – new place for me – and had my first abdominal ultrasound. The office was much different than SFC and had a big monitor on the wall so I didn’t even have to turn my head to see the screen. The tech was very nice and when she saw what appeared to be a too small baby she told me to get undressed and we did a vaginal scan too. I knew already it was over but I obliged.

The tech had me meet with a doctor and then with a nurse to talk about my options: either a D&C or Misoprostol: pills that would induce the miscarriage with heavy bleeding and cramping. I opted for the D&C and had that this afternoon. Honestly, it was not too bad. It has only been a few hours since it happened, but so far I am doing okay. The same doctor who did my exam yesterday did the D&C and when I asked her if she knew yesterday, she slipped a little and gave me the indication that she did. Not that it matters.

Emotionally I am okay until I have to tell someone or someone (nurse, doctor, friend, anyone) asks how I am doing. They are so nice and concerned and that’s what makes me cry. For that reason, for now, I am disabling comments. I know I will get upset reading them. I know you are concerned and your words touch me deeply. That makes me so emotional. I know it’s out of caring and I’m sure it’s good for me to cry and let it out but right now I just want to turn my emotions off.

The hardest parts of this day so far have been telling my boss since I am missing work (and bawling doing it. Poor guy – I really blindsided him.), getting the Valium by injection (the needle didn’t hurt but the medicine going in did), and talking to my two closest IRL friends who have been following my journey from the start.

I feel like for now I am doing okay and I think it’s because I just knew. Deep down, I knew.

So I Said Something!

Yep, I said something to the co-worker. I tried to let it go and thought maybe I would but if the opportunity came up to say something, I knew I would take it.

We were chatting today at work and she was talking about a friend of hers who has a four year-old and wants to have his birthday party at a bounce house. So my friend tells her she’s heard bounce houses are a breeding ground for the swine flu. And then she says to me –

Her: “You know I’m NOT a mother but I just couldn’t not say anything – you know I have to say whatever’s on my mind”. (or something like that.)

Me, smiling: “Oh I know – kind of like when you asked me if J was the father??” laughs from both of us. “And by the way, I’ve been thinking about that and you don’t think I would actually do that to him, do you?”

Her: “OH NO. Not at all! It’s just you were a little… coy about it…” (huh?)

Me: “I’ve heard of women doing anything it takes but that’s not what I’m trying to do. I don’t want to put the child through the headaches of legal battles, and visitation, and every other weekend. And I would never do that to a guy.”

Her: “Oh I know. I know you wouldn’t.”

Just then her office mate came back from lunch so we immediately resumed our swine flu chat (which by the way her friend told her bounce house is no different than daycare and she plans to have a tub of hand sanitizer with her.)

I feel better that I said something. Even if we couldn’t finish the conversation, I think enough was said that she’ll think about it. Just maybe she will realize how she came off. Maybe not. The rest of the day was not awkward and hopefully that won’t change. I know it won’t stop her from the dumb remarks in the future but at least I said what I needed to. And yes, I do plan to keep the sharing to a minimum with her. I’m saving the juicy tidbits for my IRL and blog friends who are pouring on the support! :)

OH and speaking of J…., he wants to get together soon for dinner. I’ll be sure to fill you in. That post will create a new blog category: “Dating While Pregnant.” Don’t see that one every day. ;)

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Quick Clarification Post

I can see from a couple of comments on my last post, it appears I was unhappy with my dentist yesterday. I wasn’t. It was actually a nice visit! I got to share my news (no xrays!), it was a beautiful day and both the hygienist and the dentist himself were genuinely happy for me. My dentist said lots of nice things and his remark about the best to me “and my family” was his parting comment and I wasn’t bothered by it at all. He doesn’t know any differently and honestly, I chuckled to myself when he said it. And hey, no cavities – can’t beat that. :)

Today’s Lesson

Not too much to report – just a quick post to share my lesson of the day. This morning I had my 6-month teeth cleaning appointment and had to “tell” since they wanted to do x-rays. Joy from the dental hygienist and even more from the dentist himself who wished me “and my family” the best.

Anywho, the lesson part was if I ever DO barf from morning sickness, do NOT brush my teeth right away – wait about 30 minutes. Okay, ick. Rinsing it out is okay but something about the brushing moving the stomach acid around your mouth. Double ick.
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On that note, and to change the subject, please enjoy a few pictures of FurBaby in one of her favorite places when the furnace kicks on.  (Her eyes are not normally this spooky – I can’t seem to get them right in pictures.)

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First OB Visit – Minus the OB

So today was my first official visit at my Ob/Gyn’s office. And by visit I mean meeting. And by meeting, I mean chat in a tiny office with a nurse where the only medical-ish thing that took place was me getting the seasonal flu shot. (For the first time ever, by the way.)

The meet and greet was fairly uneventful. She took a history, thumbed through my file, tried to determine my due date which changed three times during the visit, and gave me tons of take home material -which I have read practically all of already.

The best part of the visit? Booking ultrasound appointments! Seriously people, begging works! I’m pretty sure I would normally not have one until my 1st trimester screening unless I pleaded. I managed to get one next week.

A question was asked in the comments about how I’m feeling. I feel great! Seriously, I’m sporting practically no symptoms. And of course, that had/has me concerned. The worst part physically so far has been DURING the 2ww. I had sore boobs, a splitting headache and a general crappy disposition. The sore boobs hung on for a few weeks after that but have since nearly disappeared. Maybe I’m a little more tired but that’s it. I’m not complaining (or at least trying not to). I really don’t want to be sick. What I would like is a constant little reminder that something is still happenin’ down there. I guess I’ll have to wait for the next scan – eight days and counting…